How Vegeta Stole Christmas!
by The Grim Wombat
Summary: It's a parody of "How the Grinch Stole Christmas," if you couldn't tell by the title. It's been posted at the ToT for 3 years running, and now it's here!


How Vegita Stole Christmas  
  
By Miyako Inoue, Queen of Cheese  
  
A/N: This was written in December of 1999, and was posted on the ToT for 3 years in a row. I'm very proud. Meri liked it! ^^ R/R, please!  
  
*****  
  
Everyone  
  
Down at Capsule Corp.  
  
Liked Christmas a lot.  
  
But Vegita,  
  
Who also lived in Capsule,  
  
Did NOT!  
  
Vegita hated Christmas! The whole Christmas season!  
  
But please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.  
  
It could be, the red and green lights were too bright.  
  
It could be, he put on his spandex too tight.  
  
But I think that the most likely reason of all  
  
Was the fact that his brain was two sizes too small.  
  
But whatever the reason,  
  
His brain or his suit,  
  
He sat there on Christmas Eve, hating those kooks,  
  
Sitting there on his bed with his signature frown  
  
Knowing morons were partying one story down.  
  
And all of the family and all of their friends  
  
Were there, and he wanted his life just to end.  
  
"And they're listening to carols!" he said with a sneer.  
  
"And watching for Santa! And drinking their beer!"  
  
Then he growled, with his gloved fingers nervously drumming,  
  
"I must find a way to stop Christmas from coming!"  
  
For tomorrow, he knew.  
  
All the crazed girls and boys  
  
Would wake bright and early. They'd run to their toys.  
  
And then! They would yell! And the noise, noise, noise noise!  
  
That was one thing he hated! The NOISE NOISE NOISE NOISE!  
  
Then the saiyans and family and friends would all eat!  
  
And they'd eat! And they'd eat!  
  
And they'd EAT!  
  
EAT!  
  
EAT!  
  
EAT!  
  
They would eat green spaghetti, and canned SPAM brand meat  
  
That nobody even would bother to heat!  
  
And then they would do what he liked least of all.  
  
Everyone in the household (and I mean them all)  
  
Would all stand together, the fire bells ringing,  
  
Then they'd all start their dangerous, way off key singing!  
  
And they'd sing! And they'd sing!  
  
And they'd SING SING SING SING!  
  
And the more Vegita thought of this whole Christmas sing,  
  
The more that he thought, "I must stop this whole thing!  
  
"The singing, the yelling, the kids and the SPAM!  
  
"I have to stop Christmas from coming!"  
  
Then,  
  
WHAM!  
  
Vegita got an idea!  
  
An awful idea!  
  
Vegita  
  
Got a wonderful, awful idea!  
  
"Now I know what to do!" Vegita laughed in his throat,  
  
And he made up a new spandex Santa Claus coat.  
  
And he laughed, and he laughed, "This disguise has no flaws!  
  
"With this new spandex outfit, I do look like Claus!"  
  
"Hmm.I need a reindeer." he said with a frown,  
  
But in southern Japan, there were none to be found.  
  
That didn't stop Vegita.  
  
No, the Saiyan just said,  
  
"If I can't find a reindeer, I'll make one instead!"  
  
So he called his son, Trunks. Then he took some red thread,  
  
And he tied a fake horn to the teenager's head.  
  
Then he loaded some bags  
  
And he finished his beer  
  
And he walked to the closet  
  
And called his "reindeer."  
  
And he said "Trunks, my boy,  
  
"Christmas is presents,  
  
"And presents are toys."  
  
Vegita then smiled, "And without their toys,  
  
"There'll be no more playing. And then no more noise!"  
  
"But you know," said Trunks, "all the poor girls and boys-"  
  
"Quiet!" the pointy old Veggie Claus hissed.  
  
"The tree in the living room's first on our list!"  
  
Then he slid down the banister, bags in his hand,  
  
Thinking "Now there will be no more bad Christmas SPAM!"  
  
At the end of the stairs, his face twisted with glee,  
  
In the dark living room, he caught sight of the tree.  
  
"Trunks!" he said quietly, pointing at the wall,  
  
"Take down these stockings! And do get them all."  
  
And hands on the hips of his red spandex suit,  
  
He stood watching his reindeer-slash-son take the loot.  
  
And when it was done, he went under the tree,  
  
And got a few holes in his Santa Claus knees.  
  
The presents were great, he saw, taking them quick,  
  
A Malibu Frieza for evil Saint Nick.  
  
Then he went to the kitchen, and gagged at the sight  
  
Of what was to be eaten tomorrow night.  
  
He saw old potatoes, and slimy root beer,  
  
And infinite SPAM, confirming his fear.  
  
But he stuffed all of their Christmas feast in a bag,  
  
And smelling it, turned his head and "BIG BANG!"  
  
The food for tomorrow was gone, and instead,  
  
A hole in their carpet was now glowing red.  
  
He was grabbing the tree, and was taking it when,  
  
He heard a small sound like the cluck of a hen.  
  
Vegita spun around, and was startled to see  
  
Goku behind him, staring at the tree.  
  
Vegita had been caught by his not-too-bright rival,  
  
Who, sadly, was under him in rank and title.  
  
Goku blinked once and said "Veggie-chan, why?  
  
"Why are you hugging the Christmas tree? Why?"  
  
But as everyone knows, old Goku ain't too quick.  
  
In fact when he's tired, he's dense as a brick.  
  
"Um, Kakarot, I just thought all of the lights,  
  
"Were pretty, and Christmas is. merry. and bright!"  
  
So then Goku smiled and said "My granddaughter  
  
"Just got me up for a glass of cold water."  
  
Vegita said nothing, just stood there and stared  
  
As into the kitchen went "thinking-impaired."  
  
Goku went upstairs with his glass of cold water  
  
To give to his age fourteen saiyan granddaughter.  
  
Then Vegita took out  
  
The log for the fire!  
  
And he took it all to the garage, the old liar,  
  
He set it right down by the nails and wire.  
  
And the only food  
  
That was left in the house  
  
Was a crumb that Trunks ate- it was liver of grouse.  
  
It was quarter past three.  
  
They were all still in bed  
  
They were all still a-snooze  
  
When he packed up his sleigh.  
  
Packed it up with their presents! The bikes and the trains!  
  
The bows! And the tinsel! The little toy planes!  
  
Trunks the reindeer pulled Vegita down to the lake.  
  
And way out of earshot, the toys he could break!  
  
"And now no more SPAM!" he was evilly humming.  
  
"Soon they'll find out that no Christmas is coming!  
  
"They'll wake up quite soon. I know just what they'll do!  
  
"They'll stand there just staring a minute or two  
  
"Then all of those morons will all cry BOO HOO!"  
  
"That's a noise," said Vegita,  
  
"That I simply must hear!"  
  
So he stopped. And Vegita put a hand to his ear.  
  
And he did hear a tiny sound starting to grow,  
  
Mixed in with firebells over the snow.  
  
But the sound wasn't sad!  
  
Why, it sounded obnoxious!  
  
Yes, it was true!  
  
It was making him nauseous!  
  
He couldn't believe it!  
  
The sound made him sick!  
  
Then he thought,  
  
   
  
"This whole stupid singing must be a dumb trick!"  
  
Every person at Capsule, the tall and the small,  
  
Were singing! The sound, oh please, God help us all!  
  
He hadn't stopped Christmas from coming!  
  
It came!  
  
Without any presents, it came just the same!  
  
And Vegita, with his feet ice-cold in the snow,  
  
Was puzzling and puzzling, "How could it be so?  
  
Then Trunks started laughing, and fell on his knees,  
  
And the human reindeer began talking, "Oh please!  
  
"Mom made up fake boxes and bags, and she then.  
  
"She bought extra SPAM to feed four hundred men!  
  
"If we go back home, then you'll probably find  
  
"That they'll all forgive you. So be nice this time."  
  
And Veggie flew home  
  
at that moment that day.  
  
But not before doing  
  
Big Bang on the sleigh.  
  
And he ate some of everyone's cooking to boot,  
  
And he got a new jacket and a spandex suit,  
  
But poor, poor Vegita was then forced to cram.  
  
Fifteen cans worth of  
  
slippery,  
  
jellylike SPAM.  
  
  


End file.
